Germany Is Where I Went to Stop Running from Myself

Germany Is Where I Went to Stop Running from Myself

Germany didn't welcome me. It waited for me. Like it had been standing there in the cold, in the fog, in the silence between heartbeats, knowing I would come eventually. Knowing I would exhaust myself running from Hawaii to Murcia and still not find what I was looking for. Knowing I would finally stop, break down, and let someone see me.

They say Germany is gaining popularity worldwide as a tourist destination. They say its unique culture, friendly people, and distinctive destinations made it one of the hottest vacation spots since 2000. They say each year the number of overnight visitors grows. They say Germany attracted over 2.2 million visitors from the United States alone in the first six months of 2006. But visitors aren't travelers. Tourists aren't lost people. And vacations aren't healing. I wasn't there for any of those things. I was there because I was out of places to run.

Travel to and from Germany with ease and in style can be a relaxing and pleasant experience. They say that. But I didn't travel to Germany with ease. I traveled with a suitcase that weighed too much and a heart that weighed more. I didn't travel in style. I traveled in a shirt I hadn't changed in three days, with hair I hadn't washed in two, with eyes that refused to sleep because sleep meant dreaming of you and waking up meant remembering you were gone.

Depending on where you're coming from, Germany can be reached by boat, airline, automobile, or train. With all of these options available, there's a safe, convenient, and affordable option for everyone. But safe doesn't mean safe from pain. Convenient doesn't mean convenient from grief. Affordable doesn't mean affordable from the cost of leaving everything behind. I chose the option that hurt the least in the moment. I chose the option that felt like surrender.

Air travel affords the world traveler speed and convenience. Germany can be reached from major airlines across the globe. The most accessible cities are Berlin, Munich, and Frankfurt. Germany's own airline Lufthansa accesses over 75 countries, reaching more than 175 cities. No matter what continent you're on, there's a flight headed to Germany nearby. But speed doesn't heal you. It just gets you to the pain faster. Convenience doesn't save you. It just makes the journey shorter. And being nearby doesn't mean you're close to what you're looking for.

I took a flight to Berlin. Not because I wanted to see Berlin. But because Berlin felt like a place where broken things were allowed to exist. Where history had carved scars into the walls and nobody pretended they weren't there. Where the city itself was a monument to falling apart and putting itself back together.

For the budget-minded traveler, there are no-frills air fare packages available. Airlines to consider when flying affordably are Air Berlin, Ryanair, Germanwings, and Easyjet. I flew Ryanair. Of course I did. The cheapest option. The one that didn't offer comfort. The one that didn't pretend you deserved better. The one that made you pay for everything extra — the water, the snack, the legroom, the dignity. I didn't mind. I didn't deserve comfort. I didn't deserve extra legroom. I deserved the bare minimum. I deserved the flight that made me feel the weight of every choice I'd made.

For the most up-to-date deals on airfare, contact your local favorite airline. But I didn't have a favorite airline anymore. I didn't have a favorite anything. I had a suitcase, a ticket, and the hollow ache of someone who had lost the person who made everything make sense.

For the traveler who isn't in as much of a hurry, or wants to combine their German vacation with another unique and memorable experience, visiting Germany by way of a cruise can be the perfect choice for relaxation and fun. The benefits include avoiding the hustle and bustle of flying and another option from overseas than via a plane. But I was in a hurry. Not to get somewhere. But to get away from myself. And a cruise doesn't let you run. It locks you on a ship. It forces you to sit with the ocean and the silence and the person you've become. I couldn't do that. I wasn't ready to be that still.

Rates vary substantially with packages, but cruise lines typically offer great deals for travelers available on a flexible schedule. Some cruise lines can offer rates that come out to pennies on the dollar compared to premium airline rates. But cheap doesn't mean valuable. And pennies don't add up to peace.

Popular cruise lines that port in Germany are Norwegian Cruise Lines and Sea Cloud cruises. I didn't take a cruise. I took the option that let me leave as soon as I arrived. I took the option that let me pretend I was still moving, still running, still not facing the truth.

European transportation is world famous for its efficiency, speed, and affordability. So for the budget-minded traveler, catching a train to Germany is an option you can't afford not to look into. But I looked into it too late. By the time I thought about trains, I was already in Berlin, already alone, already standing in a station where everybody else seemed to know where they were going.

But don't discount the amenities available aboard trains! Packages offered by German rail travel can vary from no-frills to extravagant. There's truly something available for everyone. Trains allow tourists to relax and enjoy the countryside without the added stress of airline travel. Meeting new people and sharing the experience is a traditional aspect of vacationing in Europe. Traveling by train affords the option of mingling with fellow passengers if you want or riding in privacy if you wish — something no long flights in a plane can present.

I wanted to ride in privacy. I wanted to sit in a corner and not talk to anyone. I wanted to watch the countryside blur past and pretend I wasn't watching my own life disappear. I wanted to meet no one. I wanted to share nothing. I wanted to be invisible. But on a train, you're trapped with yourself. You're trapped with the silence. You're trapped with the person staring back at you from the window, eyes hollow, face tired, heart broken.

I didn't take the train. I took the option that let me move faster. The option that let me pretend I wasn't stuck. The option that let me believe I was still trying to find something.

Germany didn't fix me. Germany didn't heal me. Germany didn't give me answers. Germany gave me a place to fall apart where nobody knew my name. Germany gave me a city where the walls had scars too. Germany gave me a language I didn't speak so I couldn't explain what was wrong. Germany gave me silence so I could finally hear myself think.

I walked through Berlin and I didn't see tourists. I saw ghosts. I saw people who came looking for something and found themselves instead. I saw people who thought they were running from pain but were actually running toward it. I saw people who thought they were traveling but were actually hiding.

I saw me.

Germany is not a destination. It's a mirror. And when I looked into it, I saw the version of me that existed before I broke. I saw the version of me that's still trying to come back together. I saw the version of me that's still waiting for you to come back even though I know you won't.

I'm still in Germany. I don't know how long I'll stay. I don't know if I'll ever leave. I don't know if leaving would make a difference.

After Hawaii. After Murcia. After all the places I thought would save me. I'm still here. Still broken. Still trying. Still running.

And if you're reading this, if you're standing in an airport somewhere, if you're holding a ticket to a place you think will save you, if you're traveling because you can't stay where you are, if you're running because you're tired of hurting, if you're searching for something cheaper, easier, faster, less painful —

I'm you.

And I'm still here too.